We’ll start this day with a question that burns in all of our hearts at some time or another.
How do I know if my husband has told me everything?
The answer to that question falls somewhere between “You can’t” and “You’ll know.”
Let me put it this way, if your husband is pursuing God and working diligently to replace lies with truth in his heart and life, then he will be completely honest with you and disclose everything you need to know.
On the other hand, if your husband is not pursuing God or working on his stuff, he is probably not going to be honest with you about everything. In that case, God Himself will show you what you need to know.
There are a number of reasons why our husbands may struggle with being completely honest about their sexual behaviors/sin. Obviously, sexual sin causes a lot of shame, and whatever sins the struggler sees as particularly shameful, he may have great difficulty sharing—even with his counselor. A man may also lie if he feels that a particular behavior will result in losses he is not ready to experience—i.e. loss of a job or marriage. If a guy knows that something is going to be particularly hurtful to his wife, he may hesitate to share it, and then there is the whole problem of black-outs. Some addicts literally cannot remember what they’ve done during an addictive cycle. (We had a good friend who would wake up in bed with someone and not remember how he got there.)
For our guys who are pursuing healing, God is always at work in their hearts and minds to renew and transform them. Many times as the Lord moves and ministers in the life of a man involved in the restoration process, He will remind him of secrets that have not been disclosed. Or, if a man has intentionally withheld information because of shame or regret, the Holy Spirit will prompt him to do the pain and be completely honest with his spouse and others. This is a good/bad thing for us as wives. It is good in that our husbands are being renewed and changed. It’s bad when we have to grieve again over things that have happened in the past.
When a husband shares additional information about his sexual sin after the time of formal disclosure has taken place, he is engaging in what I like to call the “dribble” method of disclosure… I hate the dribble method!!!!!!
And to be honest, I hate the fact that there is nothing we can do to ensure that our husbands tell us the whole truth and nothing but the truth during the initial time of disclosure.
–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One
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