Today we are going to talk about a very important subject related to disclosure. I’ve entitled today’s discussion, “What We Want to Know vs. What We Need to Know.”
…From my perspective, I see four main objectives for a time of disclosure.
- To give the struggler an opportunity to walk in obedience and truth as he uncovers his sin and brings all darkness to the light.
- To allow the struggler to see the impact his sin has had on you, the relationship, and the family and to take a first step toward reconciliation by being honest and asking for forgiveness.
- To allow the wife to be fully aware of the sins committed against her and the full extent of the debt she is being asked to forgive.
- To begin the process of removing the rubble and ruins from the old relationship destroyed by lies and deceit in preparation for the building of a new relationship built on Christ and His truth.
Let me say quickly that whether the end result of a relationship broken by sexual addiction is reconciliation or divorce, the goals for the time of disclosure remain the same. Obviously, you as a wife may be unable to re-join your husband emotionally and sexually because of his unfaithfulness. God understands the damage that sexual betrayal does in a marriage. That being said, it is also not beyond the power of God to give you the grace to live (and enjoy life) with a man who has broken his vows to you. I am a living testimony to that grace—not only the grace that was given to me for my husband but also the grace I received for myself.
With those goals in mind, I want to talk about the things that you need to know and some of the things you don’t need to know about your husband’s sexual sin. You’ve probably heard before that two people who really love each other should not have any secrets. And that’s true—sort of. You need to know about your husband’s secret sins in terms of the general facts surrounding them. You do not need to know details about his sexual sin.
I define “details” as anything that would help me visualize my husband doing or participating in a sinful sexual behavior.
–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One
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