Let me make a few other comments before we take a look at God’s heart on the subject of disclosure. First, the timing of disclosure is important. If your husband is serious about his recovery, full disclosure to you should take place about a month after your husband has fully disclosed to a counselor. This gives your husband time to talk about and process his sexual history from childhood to the present and to begin to face and grieve the losses associated with his addiction.
…Please understand me. I’m not saying that disclosure cannot happen within the first or second week after your husband is caught in some sexual sin. I am saying that it might be more beneficial to you both if he is able to talk about his past and his present with someone who understands the problem before he talks to you. Why? Because the more time your husband has to disclose and confess to another, the better he will be at fully disclosing to you. It gets easier the more he talks about it. He will remember more clearly as he talks and processes, and you both will have time to build a larger network of safe people to support you as you grieve after disclosure.
The person you choose to mediate during the time of disclosure is also important. In my opinion, the best person to mediate is your husband’s counselor. He knows what is going on, and he will be able to intervene if your husband is dishonest about something or if emotions get out of hand. If you don’t feel comfortable being by yourself with your husband and his counselor, bring your counselor with you. I recommend a counselor because counselors are required to maintain confidentiality; friends, no matter how trusted, are not. If neither you nor your husband are seeing counselors, the second best option is to have a couple who have walked through sexual addiction and have a substantial amount (three years or more) of the journey behind them to mediate the time of disclosure. Again, in this situation, it will be necessary for the two men (struggler and mentor) to spend a significant amount of time talking and processing before the time of disclosure takes place. (It will be greatly helpful for the two women to do the same.)
–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One
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