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Giving That’s As Unique As You Are…

At this time of year, non-profits focus a lot of attention to the benevolence and generosity of its supporters and donor partners.  When it comes to being generous, we have some of the most dedicated supporters that make it possible for us to continue the mission that God has called us to.  Without you, we simply would not be in a position to help individuals and families overcome addiction.

When it comes to giving through HopeQuest, here are some interesting facts you might like to know….

  1. 25% of the budget at HopeQuest comes from the financial support of partners just like you.
  2. 50% of our financial support comes in the last 3 months of the year.
  3. 28% of our support comes during the month of December alone.
  4. Over 1,000 clients and families have come through the Trek program that your financial gifts make possible.
  5. HopeQuest recently opened an Intensive Out Patient program to increase opportunity for those impacted by addiction but can’t come into a residential program.  Additional expansion of services is coming in 2019.

Occasionally we have partners that like to give in creative ways.  One of those ways is through the giving of STOCK or Mutual Funds.

We have partnered with the National Christian Foundation (NCF) when it comes to non-cash gifts (such as stock).  Several of our partners last year maximized the impact of their gift with the help of NCF.

If you are curious about giving stock or another asset other than cash, click this link to read a short article about giving stock from NCF.

https://www.ncfgiving.com/stories/tis-the-season-for-stock-giving/

For more information, feel free to reach out to our Director of Development Steve Cummings at steve.cummings@hopequestgroup.org or our Ministry Development Officer Gant Garner at gant.garner@hopequestgroup.org.

Thank you again for always being behind us at HopeQuest.  We are so grateful for your generosity.

PLEASE PRAY FOR HOPEQUEST OVER THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

The Christmas holidays are one of the toughest times for our clients in the Trek Program, along with their spouses and family members who are apart from them during this usually festive time. Others we minister to in Walking Free and Journey may also be struggling with challenges. Our counselors and staff can find themselves stretched as well as they minister through the hurdles during this season. 

Please remember to pray for HopeQuest clients, our counselors, and staff as you prepare to celebrate Christmas with your family and loved ones…

Kyla’s Story – Part Four

A key part of my story is that, unfortunately, but I’m learning not surprisingly, the response from some of our friends and people in church was hurtful and compounded my trauma. It’s a hard thing to just sit with someone in their pain. And that can become apparent quickly in a situation like ours. People are quick to offer their solution. Bobby was a worship leader in our church and had grown up there. Leaders in our church had a hard time believing his addiction. They minimized Bobby’s addiction and cast blame on me for not being forgiving enough or for setting boundaries. Some discouraged us from sharing our story. Some questioned my ability to lead in ministry. And then people stop making eye contact, they stop asking you to be involved in their group or asking you to volunteer and they walk the other way when they see you. I felt abandoned and like an outcast at my church. So much irony in that. 

After struggling in recovery for about 2 years I told Bobby that the HopeQuest Trek program was the last option. And I truly had no hope for our marriage. I felt like we’d taken all the steps we were supposed to take and it wasn’t working; the recovery just wasn’t sticking. 

When I spoke with Bobby during his time at HopeQuest, I could see him digging deep, having these “aha” moments, and beginning to build confidence in himself. He was understanding where he struggled in assertiveness and connecting with his own emotions. He was understanding what it meant to be in a community where people share honestly and vulnerably and dealt with conflict. He tells me he was learning what it meant to really be a man. He was understanding the deep love God has for him, without a need to prove himself or do better. He was certainly changing. Bobby calls the next part, God bragging because He wasn’t done there. 

Click here to read Kyla’s first blog post: https://hopequestgroup.org/kylas-story-part-one/

Click here to read Kyla’s second blog post: https://hopequestgroup.org/kylas-story-part-two/

Click here to read Kyla’s third blog post: https://hopequestgroup.org/kylas-story-part-three/

Look forward to more of Kyla’s story to come over this holiday season…

Walking Free – Week Sixteen

Many people equate surrender with giving up. This definition seems logical enough, but when it comes to recovery, giving up usually means giving in to the desires that control us.

Think about it this way: You’ve probably seen a car chase on TV in which someone runs from the police. Of course, the chase ends when the car is forced to stop, but often the driver tries to flee again on foot. Inevitably, the moment comes when the criminal sees himself surrounded, knows he is caught, puts his hands up in the air, and gives up. In his heart, though, he is still running. He hasn’t truly surrendered.

Surrender is not about giving up what you’ve been doing. It’s about giving yourself – your plans, your will, your behaviors, your needs – to the one who gave His life for you.

– Troy Haas, First Steps

Trek – Week Sixteen

I remember my first counseling and group sessions.  There, prominently displayed on the wall was this thing called “The Feeling Wheel.”  And, of course, just like I’d seen once in a cheesy counseling scene on TV, somewhere in the beginning of every session was that same question for me.

“Well, how are you feeling today?”

The first time I tried to respectfully answer the question.  The second time I rolled my eyes.  The third time, I sighed audibly. What could identifying and naming my feelings possibly do to help my situation? Wasn’t it obvious how I was feeling?  I mean, how would you feel if your life was so out of control you ended up in rehab?

The problem was that over the years I had worked hard to escape from feelings — especially the negative ones. I lived for those moments in my addiction when I could get relief from the shame and sadness that surrounded my life.  Admitting my feelings was absolutely the last thing I wanted to do. Feel that pain? No way.

My counselor, fortunately, was very determined.  He listened carefully as I talked, pointing out feelings that were hiding behind my words.  Gradually, I began to really feel again.  And when I did, I discovered something truly amazing.  Feelings — even the painful ones — are a gift from God.

–Melissa Haas, Emotions 101

Kyla’s Story – Part Three

,

In 2016, I began to work for a Christian counseling agency that specialized in working with couples and individuals who struggled with sex addiction and betrayal from their partner’s addiction. This is where recovery finally began for us. It was the first time we understood it as addiction. It was the first time I started identifying the lies that had kept me believing this was more “normal” guy behavior. It was where I learned I could set boundaries and needed a safety plan and needed to heal from the trauma I experienced from years of living in this dysfunction I thought was just normal marriage difficulties. I felt empowered and heard but scared and confused all at the same time. I was literally undoing and having to rewrite what my brain had learned to accommodate and accept over 14 years of marriage. To say it was hard is an understatement. It’s funny to think back about now because I truly thought we were ahead of the game because we at least talked about it and had some kind of plan for dealing with it. I thought we’d come for a little while and learn a few tips to help us out. So going into our own healing and recovery process, neither of us had any idea how much upheaval there would be and how we so desperately needed help.  

The recovery process for both of us has been hard. It’s involved hard decisions and hard boundaries. Hard conversations with each other and friends and family. I struggled to stick to boundaries and to know how to be kind but firm. Bobby struggled to stop acting out and struggled with shame and feeling like a failure. I needed to heal from my own trauma, but also try to learn to navigate living with someone who had an addiction. We were a hot mess! 

Click here to read Kyla’s first blog post: https://hopequestgroup.org/kylas-story-part-one/

Click here to read Kyla’s second blog post: https://hopequestgroup.org/kylas-story-part-two/

Look forward to more of Kyla’s story to come over this holiday season…

Journey – Week Sixteen

The more you grow in your relationship with Christ, the more you will be able to respond to your husband with truth and grace. You will still feel all of the pain his sinful choices bring into your life, but you will find an incredible reservoir of peace and love and strength within your heart that carries you through the darkest of days.

I hope that gives you hope for the days to come. Let’s talk a little bit about the here and now for a moment. As you begin this journey your situation may be incredibly challenging… As you relate to your husband, it is very important to do so from a position of spiritual and emotional safety… The one thing that will keep you sane on the bad days is turning your attention toward the Father and meditating on His goodness and His love for you.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Kyla’s Story: Part Two

“Over the next 14 years, we would do the dance that I described (previously). Bobby continued to share staggered disclosures with me of his acting out, adding more pieces of the bigger picture of what his addiction entailed, but for years we had no idea this was actually an addiction. I began to try to hold him accountable and then for periods of time I just ignored the problem. Somewhere in the process, I began to believe various lies. 

One was that this was just a normal guy struggle and he would never really be able to overcome it, so we would just have to figure out a way to manage it the best we could. And two, if I was being a good Christian wife, I just had to deal with it. There were periods of time that I tried to be kind and gracious and periods of time where I exploded with anger and said things that caused him to feel more shame. These were all of my attempts to control or manage his acting out behavior. One of the most disheartening things for us was the lack of understanding of sex addiction in the Christian community. We did not keep his struggle a secret. We spoke with friends, older couples, pastors in our church, professors in our Christian college and there wasn’t a single person who could identify this as a sex addiction or point us in the direction of good help. So we continued trying to do the best we could but really having no idea how unhealthy all of this was.” 

Click here to read Kyla’s First blog post: https://hopequestgroup.org/kylas-story-part-one/

Look forward to more of Kyla’s story to come over this holiday season…

#Giving Tuesday is coming up on November 27, 2018

Did you participate in #GivingTuesday last year?
Join the global movement!
#GivingTuesday is a global giving movement that has been built by individuals, families, organizations, businesses and communities in all 50 states and in countries around the world.
This year, #GivingTuesday falls on November 27. Following Thanksgiving and the widely recognized shopping events Black Friday and Cyber Monday, #GivingTuesday will kick off the giving season by inspiring people to collaborate and give back.
HopeQuest believes that everyone’s addiction story matters, and everyone’s “giving story” matters too… and that’s why we participate in #GivingTuesday.
You can give to HopeQuest on #GivingTuesday at:

Kyla’s Story: Part One

My name is Kyla, and my husband Bobby completed the HopeQuest Trek program this past summer. We have been married for 13 years, together for 16, and we have 3 kiddos. Bobby and I were both believers prior to finishing high school and started dating just after I graduated high school. We have served together in missions, youth ministry, and leading worship. During this time, we also had tremendous struggles in our marriage. 

I first began to learn about Bobby’s sex addiction when we had only been dating a few months. Bobby confessed to a small piece of the bigger picture of what he was wrestling with. He shared that he struggled with thinking about and being attracted to other women. It was truly devastating to even hear a small part of what he was struggling with. I felt betrayed, not good enough, confused, overwhelmed, lonely and in pain. I certainly didn’t know how to move forward from there. 

During that first year, while we had a long distance relationship because I was away in college, we would spend hours on the phone (at my request) so I could ask hundreds of questions and attempt to share the pain I was feeling over his betrayal. This is where a lot of my codependency and hypervigilance kicked into high gear and continued for years until we were in early recovery. I asked all of the detailed questions about who he was attracted to and if he was hanging around those people. I had no idea, especially in a Christian marriage, that I could have and needed a safety plan and boundaries; instead, I tried to monitor and control everything. That first year after he shared was a mess and it didn’t get better from there. 

Look forward to more of Kyla’s story to come over this holiday season…

Trek – Week Fifteen

The first book that every client reads is EMOTIONS 101… This booklet is all about helping clients recognize, identify, and express their emotional experiences in ways that create opportunity for healing and change — both in their life and in their relationships.

We also have an extensive client library available to our clients. All of the books can be checked out from the Trek library at no cost. However, some books are also available for purchase if clients want to own a personal copy.

We also have a list on our website. While there are countless books available to help people find freedom, hope, and life, those listed on our website’s Recommended Readings page are, in our opinion, the best. They share our passion for an integration of Christ-centered and clinically-effective. They are deeply practical, grace-oriented, authentically-written resources. We highly recommend clients and their families read as many as possible, especially within the categories that they are most interested in.

https://hopequestgroup.org/resources/recommended-readings/

Journey – Week Fifteen

Anytime we interact with someone who has wounded us, the safest place is always in the arms (or at least holding the hand) of our Father. When we are actively trusting Him to meet our needs for love and acceptance, we will be free to speak truthfully with the one who has hurt us deeply.

If we go it alone…, we not only make ourselves vulnerable to be wounded again, we run the risk of being dishonest, manipulative, and hurtful to others. We will be drawn into an attitude of self-preservation and anger, which creates a very hard heart. Hard hearts may protect you from people who have hurt you, but they also close off your ability to love and be loved by the Father. You need a tender, soft heart in order to relate to God and to heal.

If we hide behind something or someone…, we lose a true sense of reality. We think we are safe, but that feeling is only an illusion. In fact, when we begin to cover up our true selves with behaviors or activities or other people, we have become just like our spouses. Scary, isn’t it?

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Walking Free – Week Fourteen

This week we’d like to suggest some resources that are helpful during Walking Free. More resources are also available on our website at www.hopequestgroup.org/resources/recommended-readings/

Understanding Sexual Addiction

Breaking Free, Russell Willingham

Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Mark Laaser

Men’s Secret Wars, Patrick Means

False Intimacy, Dr. Harry W. Schaumburg

Spiritual Growth and Formation

TrueFaced, by John Lynch, et al

The Pressure’s Off, Larry Crabb

Falling for God, Gary Moon

Shattered Dreams, Larry Crabb

Recovery and Healing

Tired of Trying to Measure Up, Jeff Van Vonderen

The Search for Significance, Robert S. McGee

Into Abba’s Arms, Sandra Wilson

The Wounded Heart, Dan Allender

From Bondage to Bonding, Nancy Groom

Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Web Resources

www.restorelife.us

www.pureintimacy.org

www.hopequestgroup.org

www.genesiscounseling.org

www.covenanteyes.com

Trek – Week Fourteen

During their time in Trek, clients will spend time reading and meditating on selected Scriptures from the Psalms, Proverbs, along with scriptures that relate to the weekly program teaching themes. It is of help to read the verses before and after the selected passage to get the bigger context of what’s being communicated… 

As clients journal about the scriptures, they answer the following four questions in this order::

1. What does this scripture teach me about God? (Ex: God can be trusted, God is faithful, God is not done with me, God cares about the details of my life, etc.)

2. What does this scripture teach me about myself? (Ex: I’m more loved than I realize, there is hope for the next chapter of my life, there is forgiveness for my past mistakes, God is pleased with me because of Jesus, etc.)

3. How does this verse apply to my recovery journey? How will the truth of these verses help me as I look ahead to the next chapter of my story? How does this verse relate to/inform how I’ve chosen to cope with my brokenness?, etc. (Ex: I realize I will need wise people around me when I leave, and if I try to do this alone I risk my joy and sobriety; if I’m going to continue growing, I realize my transformation will happen as my mind is renewed, so I need to make plans to ensure my thinking is being evaluated and challenged on a regular basis; etc.)

4. Action Steps: James 1:22-25 tells us it’s possible to deceive ourselves over time if we never apply the truth of what we hear and read. So as you meditate on each verse, take some time to pray and ask God “So God, what do you want me to do with this?” What are some specific ways I can apply this to my life going forward? What would my life look like if I began applying this truth to my life? What needs to change as a result of the truth I just read?”

–Trek Assignments

Journey – Week Fourteen

CONTINUING JOURNEY – WEEK THIRTEEN’S BLOG ON SAFE/UNSAFE PEOPLE

… (They) are not necessarily bad people. And, in some instances, they may even be your friend. They are unsafe because they might encourage you to minimize the problem, run away from the problem, ignore the problem, or fix the problem. You might come away from the conversation feeling you are somehow to blame for your husband’s sin or that you could somehow keep him from sinning again. All of these things short-circuit your healing process, and take valuable energy and time away from progressing on the journey.

…Sometimes “hiding” ourselves means intentionally avoiding an unsafe person. Sometimes we hide by walking away from a hurtful conversation or by limiting conversations to safe topics. In situations which require you to be around unsafe people, being able to set appropriate boundaries with others is the key to guarding your heart.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Walking Free – Week Thirteen

FIRST STEPS ON FREEDOM’S PATH

Sometimes we know where we want to end up, but we are unsure of what first steps we should take to get there. Many of us end up not moving forward at all. We get stuck because we don’t know what to do first. It all seems too overwhelming. I know; I’ve been where you are right now. The good news is that there are some very practical and simple steps to take as you begin your journey toward freedom. They are really about healthy self-care.

You’ve been living a life of self-gratification – not really caring how it impacted your heart, mind, soul or body. So, your first step toward freedom will be making choices that promote your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this, you will need to remove a few things from your current way of living and embrace a few new things for a lifestyle of freedom. The Bible speaks of putting off (removing) old ways and old patterns that are deceitful and corrupt, and putting on (embracing) a new self that is truly like God – holy and righteous (Eph.4: 20-24).

These are your first steps toward walking in freedom.

We encourage to remove from your life

• Inappropriate language, joking, or conversation about or with other people.

• Flirting with any person other than your spouse.

• Access to pornography (put a filter on home/work computers).

• Access to people/places that tempt you (change your phone number, your daily routines, even your job if necessary).

• Any contact with former affair partners or others with whom you‘ve had inappropriate relationships.

– Troy Haas, First Steps

Trek – Week Thirteen

The Moral Inventory is one of the tools taught to the clients in the Trek Program. The Moral Inventory (MI) is a tool that helps clients deal honestly with their failures and sinful choices by promoting emotional awareness and clarity about specific situations that have occurred in the past. This is the basic structure of this valuable tool:

  1. Challenge: A challenge is any situation where you were (past) or are (present) faced with a problem or dilemma. Answer the following questions: Who? What? Where? When? How often? How long? For what reason?

  2. Feelings: What were my feelings before, during, and after the challenge? What emotions are being stirred up now as you think about the challenge?

  3. Consequences: Get honest about the consequences of your decisions and past events. Remember to remain committed to communicating your feelings. How did the challenge really have an effect on you?

  4. Changes: Make an honest commitment toward making some changes. What can you change today (present) that will take care of and protect you? What changes would you like to make? Are there any changes, in light of the challenge, that will help you progress further in the Trek program?

  5. Strength(s): Give yourself positive credit. What are some good qualities you recognize about yourself and have demonstrated in the past? How can others see these strengths demonstrated while you are in the Trek Program?

  6. Goal(s): Look at yourself and see what you can change today. Set some short-term tangible goals. They should be measurable and accomplished in 48-hours or longer if necessary as long as it is directly related to your challenge. What specific actions must I take to accomplish my desired changes? When? Who? How long?

  7. Blessings: Look beyond yourself and your problem. Share your awareness and thanksgiving for where you are today. Given the entire situation, what are you thankful for?

  8. Scripture: Apply specific Scripture that relates to your Moral Inventory.

–Trek Assignments

Donate 5% through AmazonSmile through Nov. 2nd, 2018

Do you shop Amazon? Be sure to use Amazon Smile to help support HopeQuest…
Choose: “The Hopequest Ministry Group Inc”
AmazonSmile has donated over $100 million to charities thanks to customers shopping at smile.amazon.com. To celebrate, AmazonSmile is donating 5% (ten times the usual amount) to The Hopequest Ministry Group Inc when you shop at smile.amazon.com/ch/47-0941001 through Nov 2.
This week, Amazon is celebrating their amazing accomplishment helping various charities through their Amazon Smile Program. It’s easy to help support HopeQuest through this program. Simply go to smile.amazon.com before shopping, and choose to support “The Hopequest Ministry Group, Inc” 
Be sure to help support HopeQuest this week during this special promotion! Thank you!
#AmazonSmile #StartWithaSmile

Journey – Week Thirteen

Support groups like Journey will usually be made up of safe people. All of us have experienced the pain you are going through and understand the dynamics of being married to a man who struggles with habitual sexual sin. Christian counselors and psychologists will generally be safe people with whom to process your struggles and pain. Pastors and other spiritual leaders should be safe people, but beware of those who would rather try to conform you to their legalistic ideas of marriage than to see your pain and confusion and minister to you. The last thing the wife of a sex addict needs is for some pastor to tell her to go home and have sex with her husband because her body is not her own and she needs to submit to her husband’s desires! Following that advice could be a death sentence for a woman whose husband is regularly sleeping with other people.

Most family members will probably fall into the “unsafe” category simply because they are feeling the effects of your husband’s sin as much as you are. His family might blame you for his problem or imply that something is wrong with you for their “darling” boy to be acting in such a terrible way. Your family might step in too quickly to try to relieve your pain. You need to grieve in order to heal. Well-meaning family members can actually hinder your healing process by protecting you or distracting you from painful emotions.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Walking Free – Week Twelve

“I Feel…About…Because…

God created us for relationship with Himself and others, and He modeled us after His own image. We are created in the image of God. But what does that mean? Part of your journey into becoming the man God created you to be involves discovering His very image in you. One of the most vital components of your healing and growth process is understanding that both you and God are emotional beings who feel. Emotions are powerful motivators in our lives, so we must become aware of what is going on in our hearts and express those feelings appropriately in order to relate well to God and the people He’s placed in our lives.

That’s why we talk so much about feelings. Most guys, for a variety of different reasons, struggle both with knowing their feelings and expressing them. So we are going to give you lots of opportunity to practice. Being aware of and expressing your emotions appropriately is kind of like the stretching exercises you do before walking or running a long distance. Fail to warm up and you might find yourself with a very painful cramp or torn muscle not very far down the road. Take the time to understand your own heart and learn how to express your emotions in appropriate ways. It will help you. It could change the way you relate to everyone in your life. And that would be a good thing.

To express your heart and to help God and others understand you well, when communicating your feelings, use this tool:

“I feel _____________________ (feeling word) 

about _____________________ (the situation)

because _____________________ (the reason).”

Don’t say, “I feel like” or “I feel that.” These statements express a thought or belief, not a feeling. “I don’t know” is not a feeling word. (In Walking Free, we) use the Feeling Wheel or … feeling words (in our curriculum).”

– Troy Haas, First Steps

Feeling Wheel

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