Right now my mind is being flooded with a bunch of questions I’ve heard women ask along the way. Let me list some of them here and try to answer them briefly.

Whose responsibility is it to tell his parents about the problem?

Many times when a woman finds out about her husband’s sexual addiction, one of the first phone calls she makes is to her parents. Her husband, however, may struggle with telling his parents about the problem. Shame is working overtime in his heart, and facing the pain of disappointing his parents is a huge hurdle to overcome. In my opinion, it is his responsibility to tell his parents—not yours. It’s part of the hard work he must do—facing his sin and taking responsibility for it. Don’t rescue him from that work.

If he is blaming you for the marital problems instead of owning them with his parents, it is still not your responsibility to tell them. You can say, “Your son is not being completely honest with you. The marriage has been greatly damaged by _____’s choices. I am really hurting right now, but it is _____’s responsibility to be honest with you about what is going on.” If his parents really care for you and are interested in knowing the truth, they will confront their son. If they are unhealthy and deceived, then they won’t believe anything you tell them anyway.

Should my husband meet with my parents for a time of reconciliation?

If your parents are aware of the problem, are safe people (i.e. they won’t meet him at the door with a shotgun), and are willing to talk with your husband, I think it is a very wise and Scriptural thing to do. Your family needs to know that your husband is sorry for what he’s done to you and to them. Regardless of how your family members respond, it is a great exercise in obedience and faith for your husband. I would say, however, that a plan to meet with your parents and apologize should be initiated by your husband—not you. That’s his stuff. Let God work in his heart to bring him to that place of maturity and obedience.

What should I do if my husband doesn’t want me to tell anyone about his struggle?

Especially in situations where the husband is not working on his stuff, this is a very common response. If this is your situation, you will need great discernment and great courage. Tell your husband that you need a place to talk about how his sexual sin has impacted you. Assure him that you will use discretion. Then find a counselor, become involved in a confidential support group, and if you have a safe friend or two, tell your husband that you are going to tell them and let him know exactly what you will say about him. This is your stuff. His sin has impacted you, and you must walk in both grace and truth. You may need a lot of courage to stand by your word if your husband threatens to leave you. But covering up his sin in order to save the marriage won’t work. You’ll be miserable, and the marriage will eventually fall apart. Again, be honest with safe people, be truthful with your husband about what you are sharing and who you are sharing with, and trust God to be at work in your husband’s life.

What should I tell acquaintances who are really not close friends?

Tell them the truth without sharing any details. Things like, “Yes, we are really struggling right now. I really can’t share what’s going on, but please do pray for our marriage.” Or you could try being very real. “Thanks for your concern. I really don’t know you well enough to share details with you, but I appreciate your prayers for our marriage.” Lots of truth. Healthy boundaries.

I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone about this. Do I have to?

Well, that depends on two things: can you keep from telling without being dishonest and can you remain in relationships without telling? You have to have people, and you have to have truth. If the truth about your husband’s struggle causes you to isolate yourself from other people, you will never heal. Healing comes in relationship—and not just relationship, but intimate relationship. If you are lying about your situation, you will never heal—and neither will your husband. It was secrets that brought him this far, and it is secrets that will keep him bound. I can’t make you tell safe people about your struggles. But overcoming your fears and your shame will be necessary for you and your husband to continue on the journey.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Other Recent Posts on Disclosure:

Disclosing Your Story to Family Members and Close Friends

Trusting God In Uncertainty

Finding Freedom for Yourself

Five Guys and Addiction

Journey – Week Thirty-Seven

Journey – Week Thirty-Eight

Journey – Week Thirty- Nine

Journey – Week Forty

Journey – Week Forty-One

Journey – Week Forty-Two

Journey – Week Forty-Three

When it comes to disclosing what has happened in your marriage to family members and close friends, much of what we feel is related to how we learned to deal with embarrassing and shameful situations in our home as a child/teenager. You need to be aware of those dynamics in order to walk with both truth and grace with your family and your husband’s.

For instance, in my home, telling the truth about what had happened was very important, but expressing how you felt about the truth was not encouraged and sometimes even discouraged. So, when I was growing up if something bad happened, we talked about it in terms of factual reality, but we didn’t talk about how it impacted us emotionally. Telling my parents about Troy’s unfaithfulness was not difficult from the standpoint of being truthful. It was difficult because I didn’t feel safe to express how his unfaithfulness was impacting me. I felt like I needed to look like I was doing okay—even if I really wasn’t. My siblings were especially difficult to talk to. They accepted the truth, but they did not seek to know my heart or to share how Troy’s sin had impacted them.

Troy’s parents, on the other hand, grew up in family systems that taught them not to “air their dirty laundry in public.” They were very uncomfortable about other people finding out about Troy’s sexual sin and resented those who reacted to his sin negatively. In their generation, people didn’t talk about their problems with others. Unfortunately, that kind of thinking is a recipe for bondage. Secret sins and wounds can only be forgiven and healed if they are brought to the light. Covering them up only leads to more sin and more secrets.

So, the first thing to be aware of before you disclose to family or close friends is how they typically respond to painful/shameful information. You need to know what to expect in order to prepare yourself for their reactions.

The second thing you need to determine about those you want or need to tell about the problem is how much they really need to know. Most often, family members only need to know generalities. Remember, details make the emotional impact of truth much greater. And if someone asks for details, your response should be, “I don’t think you need to know that” or “I’m really not comfortable answering that question.” Be as specific as you can to avoid confusion or unnecessary fears, but limit what you tell your family in order not to expose them to more than they might be able to deal with. Keep in mind that you have a support group and probably a counselor to talk to. Most of your family members will have to deal with the bad news without that kind of support.

Please understand; I’m not trying to give you a script to follow. I just want you to think about what you say to other people and how it is going to impact them. The goal is to speak with both grace and truth. Be as honest as you can without causing your family or your husband or yourself any more pain than is necessary.

Of course, there are times when a family member is safe and healthy enough to really share your heart with. You may have a sibling who is a counselor and understands the dynamics of sexual addiction. A family member may have walked through the same thing and be able to identify with your struggles completely. Just be wise.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Other Recent Posts on Disclosure:

Trusting God In Uncertainty

Finding Freedom for Yourself

Five Guys and Addiction

Journey – Week Thirty-Seven

Journey – Week Thirty-Eight

Journey – Week Thirty- Nine

Journey – Week Forty

Journey – Week Forty-One

Journey – Week Forty-Two

Journey – Week Forty-Three

Finding out about a husband’s sexual sin and betrayal is one of the most painful things that can happen in the life of a woman. I think it is probably even more painful than the death of a spouse. Denial, anger, bargaining, and despair are all part of the natural process of grieving the great losses that result from a husband’s struggle with sexual addiction. And as long as you are moving through grief without getting stuck somewhere along the way, eventually you will come to accept the losses and be able to move on.

Moving on may mean you and your husband are able to deal with your own issues and come back together as two broken people growing daily in relationship with God and depending on Him instead of each other to meet your deepest needs for love and acceptance. This is my prayer for every woman who comes to Journey. I want you to heal. I want your husband to heal, and I want your marriage to become everything God intended it to be.

Sometimes, though, moving on means an extended separation or even divorce. This may happen if a husband refuses to work on his stuff. It can also happen if you refuse to work on your stuff. In rare cases, both the husband and wife may deal with their brokenness but be unable to reconcile because too much damage to the integrity and trust of the relationship has been done to salvage the marriage.

And I do want to make one more comment before we take a look at God’s heart. If your husband is pursuing God and allowing the Lord to replace lies with truth and learning how to let God fill up the empty holes in his heart—if he is sincerely and consistently working on his stuff—then the success of the relationship will depend on whether or not you take your own recovery seriously. Susie Sunshines, we need to take two steps away from our husbands, put up some boundary markers, and surrender our need to be loved to the only One who can truly love us. Stormy Sues, you need to take two steps toward your husbands, lay down your weapons, and surrender your need to control to the only One who has the right to rule and reign in your marriage. Remember, dear sisters, your responsibility is you.

Proverbs 19:5 (NASB) A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who tells lies will not escape.

Proverbs 28:13 (NASB) He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

More About Susie Sunshines and Stormy Sues:

Journey – Week Thirty-Three-Introducing Susie and Sue

Journey – Week Thirty-Four-More About Susie Sunshine

Journey – Week Thirty-Five-More About Stormy Sue

Journey – Week Thirty-Six-Little About Both Ladies

We’ll start this day with a question that burns in all of our hearts at some time or another.

How do I know if my husband has told me everything?

The answer to that question falls somewhere between “You can’t” and “You’ll know.”

Let me put it this way, if your husband is pursuing God and working diligently to replace lies with truth in his heart and life, then he will be completely honest with you and disclose everything you need to know.

On the other hand, if your husband is not pursuing God or working on his stuff, he is probably not going to be honest with you about everything. In that case, God Himself will show you what you need to know.

There are a number of reasons why our husbands may struggle with being completely honest about their sexual behaviors/sin. Obviously, sexual sin causes a lot of shame, and whatever sins the struggler sees as particularly shameful, he may have great difficulty sharing—even with his counselor. A man may also lie if he feels that a particular behavior will result in losses he is not ready to experience—i.e. loss of a job or marriage. If a guy knows that something is going to be particularly hurtful to his wife, he may hesitate to share it, and then there is the whole problem of black-outs. Some addicts literally cannot remember what they’ve done during an addictive cycle. (We had a good friend who would wake up in bed with someone and not remember how he got there.)

For our guys who are pursuing healing, God is always at work in their hearts and minds to renew and transform them. Many times as the Lord moves and ministers in the life of a man involved in the restoration process, He will remind him of secrets that have not been disclosed. Or, if a man has intentionally withheld information because of shame or regret, the Holy Spirit will prompt him to do the pain and be completely honest with his spouse and others. This is a good/bad thing for us as wives. It is good in that our husbands are being renewed and changed. It’s bad when we have to grieve again over things that have happened in the past.

When a husband shares additional information about his sexual sin after the time of formal disclosure has taken place, he is engaging in what I like to call the “dribble” method of disclosure… I hate the dribble method!!!!!!

And to be honest, I hate the fact that there is nothing we can do to ensure that our husbands tell us the whole truth and nothing but the truth during the initial time of disclosure.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Other Recent Posts on Disclosure:

Finding Freedom for Yourself

Five Guys and Addiction

Journey – Week Thirty-Seven

Journey – Week Thirty-Eight

Journey – Week Thirty- Nine

Journey – Week Forty

Journey – Week Forty-One

Journey – Week Forty-Two

Journey – Week Forty-Three

If you are going to heal and find freedom for yourself on this journey, you need to be able to look at truth squarely in the eye and seek God’s counsel on how to respond to the reality of your situation. If you deny the truth, you may naively put yourself back into a dangerous and harmful situation, entrusting your heart and body to your husband too soon. If you try to manipulate or change the truth, you may prolong the work God wants to do in your husband’s life. If you stay angry at the reality of your husband’s spiritual and emotional condition, then you become an ally of the enemy, helping him to do his work rather than yielding to the work of God in your life.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Now I do want to talk for a few minutes about five different guys. Pay attention because you are probably married to one of them. These guys have all disclosed at least some of their sexual sin and addictive behaviors to a counselor and/or their wives, but in terms of recovery and healing, they are all at totally different places. As you read, look for your husband, remembering that recognizing where he is spiritually and emotionally won’t change him. It is the work of God in his heart that will make the difference. Your job, as I’ve said before, is to pray for him and to work on your stuff. With that in mind, let’s look at the line-up. 

We’ll start with Broken Brad. Brad is serious about his healing and restoration. Disclosure was for him the first step toward freedom. He feels greatly relieved to have all of the secrets out in the open, but he is far from a carefree happy guy. The more he comes to his senses, the more pain and regret he is feeling about what he has done. He is diligently pursuing God and sifting and sorting with a counselor. Relationships with other men have become a focus in his life, and for the first time, he is experiencing real intimacy with his peers. Every day he realizes how much he has hurt his wife and family, and his love for them is beginning to blossom into a desperate desire for freedom so that he will not hurt them again. As he relates to his wife, he is very understanding and patient; he knows she needs time to grieve and to see him being consistent over time.

The second guy in the line up is Flippant Fred. Now Fred has disclosed all of his sins and is feeling quite free from all of that sexual addiction stuff. He has felt very sorrowful about his sin, and he’s made a good start in the process—getting back into God’s Word, going to support group, seeing his counselor occasionally. But Fred is getting sucked into the illusion that since he has confessed his sin, he will no longer struggle sexually. He’s not really into looking at his past. You can’t blame your past, you know. You’ve got to make choices in the present. Fred is also not very patient with his wife’s grieving process. Although he may not say it out loud, he really doesn’t understand why she can’t just get over it. Six months should be enough for her to let go of it all and let things get back to normal. 

Next in line is Red-Handed Randy. Randy got caught, and the only thing he is really sorry about is getting caught. He really doesn’t think he’s got a problem. Men just have different needs than women. It’s a guy thing. He’s told his wife as little as possible to get her off his back and made a show of getting help. Since he does care about his wife and doesn’t want to lose his family, he’s seen a counselor a couple of times and talked to the guy in charge of the support group. But he figures if he just lays low for a while, gives his wife a lot of attention and buys a few things she’s been wanting for the house, that everything will blow over and life can continue as it was. God is really not in the picture. Randy believes in Him but is unable to relate to Him on a personal level. Whenever he feels bad about himself or what he’s done, he just promises himself that he won’t do it again and escapes the pain in some way—usually by throwing himself into his work or zoning out while watching sports.

Guy number four is Blaming Bill. Bill’s not sorry he got caught; he’s mad. The only thing his wife knows about is the thing she caught him doing. And Bill isn’t planning on disclosing anything else, ever. Anytime she brings up the subject, Bill blows up and tells her either to let it go or leave him. He’s not the problem. Her lack of forgiveness is. Bill won’t take responsibility for his actions, and he habitually blames everyone else for all his problems. The inappropriate sexual behavior is his wife’s fault because she won’t have sex every time he wants to, or it’s the media’s fault because they saturate society with sexual images. Bill goes to counseling and discovers even more people to blame. It’s his dad’s fault because he demanded perfection. It’s his mom’s fault for not nurturing him like she should have. Bill, of course, is not very fun to live with. His wife’s only respite is when he is blaming someone besides her for his problem. Things are half-way bearable on those days. Anger and defensiveness are the hallmarks of Bill’s life, and he can’t heal because he can’t see that he’s the only one responsible for his actions.

Finally, we come to Run-Away Rob. Rob handles the reality of his sexual addiction by pretending that it doesn’t exist. Confronted with evidence of sexual sin, Rob admits to what he’s done and may share bits and pieces of the whole picture, but Rob doesn’t spend a whole lot of time in reality, so it’s difficult for him to be completely honest. Different Robs live in denial in different ways. Some Run-Away Robs just leave the relationship and move on to other relationships and other marriages. Others become so depressed that they are unable to feel or function normally. Still other Robs escape reality by using drugs or abusing alcohol or engaging in other addictive behaviors. Rob may have a relationship with God but since he can’t be real with Him either, Rob feels totally disconnected. The best way to describe Rob is numbed out. He can’t feel, so he can’t heal. Most Robs are really nice guys—funny, laid-back, friendly. The problem is that they can’t tolerate pain long enough to deal with the problem. It’s hard for Rob to leave the comfortable no-feelings existence he has created to insulate himself and to do the pain required to get well. Of course, watching his wife grieve is really uncomfortable, so he either tries to get her to laugh or acts like nothing has happened between them, going on with life as usual.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Other Recent Posts on Disclosure:

Journey – Week Thirty-Seven

Journey – Week Thirty-Eight

Journey – Week Thirty- Nine

Journey – Week Forty

Journey – Week Forty-One

Journey – Week Forty-Two

Journey – Week Forty-Three