Last week, we discussed three important elements needed during a healthy time of disclosure.

Journey – Week Thirty-Eight

Let me quickly illustrate some things that can happen if you don’t have these three elements in place during a time of disclosure.

Unplanned Disclosure

›A wife nags and rages, attempting to manipulate her husband into telling her the truth. He gives in and hits the highlights, but because he has not had time to prepare, he forgets to tell her about two incidences. Now he is faced with the dilemma of bringing up the painful subject again or keeping the two situations a secret.

›The husband, tired of carrying the burden of his shame and guilt, sits his wife down and pours out his heart. She was unaware of the extent of his addictive behaviors, has no support system in place to help her, and is totally overwhelmed by his revelations. He feels great that the secrets are finally out, but his wife is having thoughts of suicide.

Unmediated Disclosure

›A husband and wife decide they can handle disclosure without the help of anyone else. They set a time and sit down to talk. The husband begins to share about sexual abuse he endured as an adolescent—a sexual relationship with another man. His wife interrupts with the comment, “Oh, God. Please don’t tell me that you have had sex with other men!” The husband, totally ashamed, is unable to continue and leaves the house in utter despair, his greatest fear realized: she really knows me, and now she doesn’t love me.

›Again, a wife and husband decide to have a time of disclosure without the presence of another person. The husband reveals that he has had sex with numerous prostitutes. (The wife was only aware of pornography usage.) Enraged, the wife begins to hit her husband and scratch his face and arms.

›Same scenario. This time as the husband shares, the wife constantly interrupts with questions about details: What turned you on? Where did you meet? What position did you use when you had sex? The husband doesn’t feel comfortable reliving all of the details, but when he declines to answer her questions, his wife accuses him of hiding things from her. The already difficult conversation turns into a disaster, and both the wife and the struggler leave the situation feeling angry and hopeless.

Unsafe Place

›A husband and wife plan a time of disclosure with their pastor at their home. Everything goes as well as can be expected but now every time the wife walks into the living room of their home, all of the painful memories of that evening are triggered for her. She no longer feels comfortable in her house and wants to move.

›A couple plan a time of disclosure at the church with another couple they love and trust. Although they have reserved the church’s conference room, in the middle of some of the most painful and graphic disclosure, two of the church gossips walk in unannounced and inadvertently hear the word “prostitute.” 

Do you get the idea? The best case scenario for disclosure, in my opinion, is a planned time with your husband’s counselor in the counselor’s office. 

This (blog post) we are going to examine the dynamics of disclosure. We are going to talk about how disclosure should take place, and what you should learn about your husband’s behavior during a time of disclosure. We will take a look at how disclosure affects us and our husbands differently and also talk about a tendency strugglers have in disclosing which I call the “dribble” method. (Eventually) we will discuss disclosing to family and friends. It is going to be full and probably painful (posts). Are you ready? 

Let’s start by talking about how and when disclosure should take place.

Every couple dealing with sexual addiction needs to have a formal time of disclosure with a third party in a safe environment. Let me say that again.

Anytime a husband has been struggling with sexual addiction, he and his wife need to have a time of disclosure that is:

1.Planned and

2.Mediated in a 

3.Safe Place.

A time of disclosure needs to be planned to allow both husband and wife to prepare emotionally and spiritually for a very difficult conversation. It needs to be mediated (preferably by your husband’s counselor) so that your husband can be held accountable to tell the whole truth and so that you can have someone there to validate your pain and feelings. Having a third party in the room also helps protect you from receiving too much information and helps prevent violent outbursts or other dangerous behavior. Disclosing in a neutral/safe place is wise because it protects you from painful associations and unintentional exposure while allowing both you and your husband to be on equal ground. 

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

(Today) we are going to talk about disclosure. Any idea about what I mean by that word? 

In the context of this lesson what I mean by disclosure is the process in which a man who struggles with sexual addiction tells others about his sexual behaviors.

There are three kinds of strugglers I have experienced on this journey: a struggler who gets caught and wants help, a struggler who gets caught and doesn’t want help, and a struggler who wants help so much that he seeks it before he gets caught. In whatever category your guy falls, probably the first person he told about his addictive struggle with sex was a counselor or a pastor. And then he told you.

Right now I’m thinking back to the phone call in which I heard Troy tell me that he had been unfaithful. I remember that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and all of the questions that came rushing into my mind. And then the ominous black hole of grief that seemed to swallow me. 

Think about that time in your life—not about when you or someone else caught him, but the first time he with his own mouth told you what he had done. 

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

In future lessons, we will talk more about the family systems that birthed the Stormy Sues and Susie Sunshines of this world. Although no situation is completely identical, there are striking similarities in the stories of those of us married to sex addicts. Understanding those dynamics is interesting and helpful. Replacing lies with truth, coming to a place where you trust God completely, and experiencing His healing touch in your life can only happen through the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. 

Before we look at God’s Word, I want to make one other comment about Stormy Sue. As a Susie Sunshine, I initially had a hard time accepting and relating to the Stormy women God was bringing into my life. I was both intimidated by their outward appearance and shocked by the depths of their fury. Quite honestly I thought that the sinful ways they were expressing anger should be the focus of my encouragement and teaching in their lives. The more I saw into the hearts of various Stormy Sues, however, the more I came to realize that anger wasn’t really the problem. There was something driving the anger that wasn’t touched by my counsel or prayer or Bible reading or even accountability. We’ve touched on the issue already. Stormy women are driven by fear—just like us Sunshines. The nature of the fear, however, is the challenging problem for dear Sue. You see, in order for the Holy Spirit to work in her heart, she must entrust the control of her mind, will, and emotions to the Father. She must deliberately put herself in a submitted position at His feet and relinquish all control to Him. But that is exactly what terrifies Stormy Sue the most—being controlled and being powerless. Do you see the dilemma? The only way healing can come in her life is for her to do the very thing she fears the most. 

What then is a Stormy Sue to do? We’ll look at that (later). For now, let’s turn our hearts to the Father.

Colossians 3:1-10 (NASB) If then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on the earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. Therefore, consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. For it is on account of these things that the wrath of God will come, and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him.

OTHER POSTS ABOUT STORMY SUE:

Journey – Week Thirty-Five

Journey – Week Thirty-Three

Let’s take a peek into Stormy Sue’s heart. (We looked at two different ladies in Week Thirty-Three) What do you think is triggering all of Sue’s anger?

Sue is terrified of losing control. To say it another way, Sue’s greatest fear is that someone will control her or that she will be powerless in a situation.

Now that presents a big problem. Why? Because Sue cannot control her husband. She is powerless to change him, and that means her anger will be continually triggered as she relates to Chad. Chad may actually be very repentant and broken. He may be hungry for God and passionate about his recovery. But Sue, because she feels she must be in control, will scrutinize him mercilessly. If he says the wrong thing or responds to her in a wrong way or, God forbid, masturbates or has some other kind of sexual slip, Sue will rage all over him again. If this dynamic continues in the relationship, Chad will either give up on his recovery (he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t, so why bother) and lose the relationship, or he will remain in recovery and leave the relationship (the better-to-live-on-the-roof-than-in-the-house-with-a-contentious-woman thing). If Chad doesn’t believe in divorce, he may “leave” the relationship by sinking into a deep depression or by getting a job which forces him to be away from home all of the time. 

Unlike Susie Sunshine, Stormy Sue has a good grasp on reality and is more than able to express anger. That is where the differences end, however. Both kinds of women usually express anger in unhealthy ways.

Most Sues are very sarcastic. They are very adept at putting others down and making very cutting remarks. Even as believers they may struggle with using profanity when they are angry. And they are more likely to blame others for their anger rather than taking responsibility for their emotions. You can guess that Stormy Sues would be great at both covert and overt revenge. When a Stormy Sue is angry her primary goals are to wound as she has been wounded and to regain a sense of power and control over the situation. 

As you might expect, it is very easy for a Stormy Sue to get stuck in her anger as she grieves. Some have referred to her as an avoidant/persecutor enabler. I call her a controlling damager. Her life is spent managing and controlling situations and people in an effort to protect herself from injury and to meet her own needs for significance and worth. From the outside, she looks like a person who has it all together. People trust her to get the job done. Of course, you don’t want to get on her bad side. From the inside, she looks like a scared kid desperately trying to protect herself from getting hurt. Her motto is: I can endure anything as long as I am in control.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One

Based on the glimpse I gave you into Susie’s heart and thoughts (last week’s blog), what is Susie (Sunshine’s) greatest fear?

…Susie is terrified of being rejected.

Obviously, she’s afraid of being rejected by her spouse and other people, but she is also afraid of displeasing and being rejected by God. On the outside, she looks like she has it all together. On the inside, she is dominated by fear. 

For this reason, when someone does something to offend or hurt Susie, she finds it difficult to express her anger. Perhaps in the past any expression of anger was seen as rebellion and dealt with harshly or abusively by a parent. Maybe she has been incorrectly taught that all anger is sinful. Perhaps the only anger she has ever seen was very hurtful and sinful and she has vowed never to let herself be that way. For whatever reason, even when anger is appropriate and necessary, Susie is unable to express (and sometimes even feel) anger in a healthy way. Of course, Susie does feel anger—even if she can’t or won’t identify it as anger. So how does an angry person act when she is afraid of being rejected, condemned, or hurt (physically and/or emotionally)?

The Susie Sunshines I have met typically deal with their anger with what I call the “TNT approach.” Susie will take and take and take abuse. She will be put down, belittled, controlled, manipulated, and lied to for long periods of time—always rationalizing behavior and making excuses for her husband (and others). Eventually, though, all of the anger that she has been pushing down into her soul in an effort to respond “spiritually” to her husband or to keep from getting hurt will come flying out of her in a magnificent explosion. Kaboom! The explosion usually only lasts a few minutes and is followed by an emotional meltdown complete with tears and remorse. Usually the controlling man she is married to is able to use her fear of rejection to manipulate Susie’s emotions, and she will find herself apologizing profusely for her angry outburst and doing everything she can to make it up to him.

Susie Sunshines also usually struggle with passive aggressive anger—undercover anger—because it is less intense and seems less sinful. Susie may not even be aware of passive-aggressive behavior in her life, especially if she is still denying a problem in her marriage. Susies also tend to withdraw from relationship when they are angry, and they may struggle with depression and physical ailments as their unexpressed anger eats them from the inside out. 

We’ll talk more about Susie Sunshine in future lessons. Others have referred to her as an avoidant/compliant enabler. I like to refer to her as a damage controller. Her life is spent rescuing and caring for others in an attempt to meet her own needs for love and acceptance and significance. From the outside, she looks great. Of course, she has to— since what people think really matters to her. From the inside, she looks like a scared kid desperately looking for love. Her motto is: I can endure anything as long as you keep loving me.

–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One