Journey - HopeQuest Group - Spouses of Sex Addicts

Journey is a community of women who have experienced betrayal and loss as a result of their spouses’ struggle with pornography addiction or other life-dominating sexual sin. Journey groups give women a safe place to:

Grieve with others who can identify with their pain
Grow in identifying and expressing emotions
Learn to set healthy boundaries with themselves and others
Allow God to use authentic relationships to heal and transform them from the inside out
Experience hope and healing, no matter what choices their spouses make along the way

Spouses on the journey work together through a core curriculum that addresses issues relevant to their situation and helps them connect with God in a time of daily devotion. They also experience the healing power of spiritual community as they deal with real-life hurts, struggles and sins. In a word, Journey is about relationships—relationships with God and other believers that help women walk this life with grace and truth regardless of what happens in their marriage.

Journey FAQs

Who can participate in a Journey group?

There are three requirements for women who are interested in becoming a part of Journey. First, you must be in (or have recently been in) a committed relationship (dating steadily, engaged, married, separated or newly divorced) with a man who struggles with some form of life-dominating sexual behavior. This includes compulsive masturbation, pornography, strip clubs, adult book stores, prostitutes, voyeurism, exhibitionism, multiple affairs or one-night stands, anonymous sexual encounters, etc.—acted out in either heterosexual or homosexual ways. Second, you must participate in an intake interview via phone with a member of the Journey staff. The goal of the interview is to give you a chance to share your story in a safe and confidential way and to assess which small group will be the best fit for you. The final requirement is your willingness to sign a confidentiality agreement in which you commit to keep confidential the identities of fellow sisters and information shared in group.

What can I expect at a Journey meeting?

We begin with a large group time in which we have a short time of teaching or devotion. Women will then break up into assigned small groups for sharing and accountability. On your first night, you will be invited to share your story if you feel comfortable doing so. Other women will be sharing discoveries from their workbook, asking questions, relating struggles they are facing or asking for accountability in some area. Small group time closes with prayer for each group member.

How can I know if my husband is struggling with sexual addiction?

Although most men struggle with lustful thoughts, acting on those thoughts—whether through fantasy and masturbation, using pornography or actual contact with another person—is always hurtful to God and damaging to the marriage. The struggle with sexual thoughts and behaviors becomes problematic when a man chooses to use his sexuality to attempt to meet needs for nurture, comfort, solace, significance and security outside of the marriage. Most men who struggle with sexual addiction are not acting out sexually just because they love sex; they are being sexual with themselves and others in an attempt to meet core emotional needs. Because sexual arousal and climax releases a mixture of pleasure-producing neurochemicals within the brain, sexual behaviors can become physically addictive too. When your husband wants to alter his mood, being sexual can give him an exciting, yet brief, escape from the often harsh and stressful realities of life. There are a few different ways to identify whether you're married to a sexual addict or not. Although men are individuals who deal with sexual struggles differently, there are several clues that may suggest your husband is struggling with sexual addiction. Here are some of the most common and the likely emotional response you are feeling: Your husband seems less and less interested in sex with you. When he is sexual with you, he may seem disconnected (“not there”), self-serving (“it’s all about him”), or be unable to maintain an erection. You may feel rejected and inadequate. You wonder if something is wrong with you sexually and question whether the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage is somehow your fault—i.e. you’ve gained too much weight, you’re too old, etc. Oppositely, your husband is constantly pressuring you for sex—sometimes multiple times a day—and asking you to be sexual in ways that are uncomfortable or painful for you (anal sex, using sex toys, asking you to use “dirty” language during sex, wanting to tie you up or handcuff you, etc.). You feel like all you are to your husband is body parts. You feel violated, used, humiliated and confused; you're often wondering if God intended the marriage bed to be this way. Your husband seems “checked out” much of the time and is unable to connect with you emotionally or spiritually. You feel very alone. You may nag or try to arrange date nights, but he seems distant. You feel like you really don’t know him anymore. There seems to be an invisible wall between you two. Unexplainable financial problems have developed in your marriage. There is a lack of money but no apparent reason why you should be struggling. There may be suspicious charges on credit card bills or unexplained withdrawals at an ATM. You feel unsafe and anxious. Worries about financial security haunt you, and you are beginning to doubt the trustworthiness of your husband. Your husband finds excuses for doing office work late at night or for making unplanned trips out of town. He is away more than he is home, and when he is home he spends a great deal of time on the computer. You feel rejected and cheated. You also feel conflicted, knowing that he is trying to provide for you but jealous over the amount of time he gives to his work instead of relating to you and the kids. His time away has become a source of internal conflict within you and external conflict within the marriage. There are also circumstances that provide more conclusive evidence that you're married to a sex addict:

You go to the doctor for your annual check-up and discover that you have a sexually transmitted disease.
Your husband loses his job because of pornography usage at work.
Your husband is arrested for soliciting a prostitute or for some other illegal sexual behavior.
You find pornography sites listed on the history of your computer.
You receive a phone call from one of your husband’s affair partners.
You find receipts for sexually-related activities or purchases (i.e. drinks at a strip club, adult video rental, adult videos charged to hotel bills, etc.).
Your telephone bill reflects numerous calls to dating/escort services, phone sex lines or affair partners.

When in doubt, listen to your God-given intuition and begin praying that God would reveal to you any secrets your husband is keeping. Be wise and watchful. Tell your suspicions to a safe friend who can keep confidence and pray with you. Ask God to uncover the truth for you and to give you courage to face what He shows you.

If I believe my husband is struggling with sexual addiction, what do I do?

Talk to a safe friend or contact Journey so that you are not facing this reality alone. Evaluate the safety of your relationship with your husband.

Do you trust him not to blame you for his problem?
Does he lose control when he is angry?
Are you fearful of a violent reaction from him?

Decide how best to confront him. It is often safest and wisest to ask others to be there with you when you confront his behaviors. If you believe you're married to a sex addict, until you know the extent of his sexual behaviors, abstain from a sexually intimate relationship with your husband. This boundary is for your physical safety. If he has been sexual with other people, you will both need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases before resuming your sexual relationship within the marriage. (If he claims to have been faithful to you but your heart doubts his truthfulness, go with your heart. If he is being honest, God and time will help you to know it is safe to be sexual with your spouse. If he is being dishonest, then you are wisely protecting yourself from the potential consequences of his sexual sin.) Think about your choices. Evaluate what you need and want. Resist the temptation to control, manipulate or pressure your husband into changing. Give him the freedom to choose what he wants most—even if that is not you right now. Set healthy limits around your heart and decide what you need from your husband in order to stay in relationship with him. Grieve by yourself and in a community with other believers who can hear your pain, anger and confusion without condemning you or trying to fix it all for you. Talk to God about all that you are feeling. Stay in relationship with safe people and don’t isolate yourself. (Journey is a wonderful place to begin experiencing authentic spiritual community.) Come to a place of acceptance and allow the Father to take you on a journey of growth and transformation—no matter what your husband chooses to do.

What materials/curriculum do you use in Journey?

The Journey workbook is a 10-week study written in a conversational style and integrated with spiritual principles as well as daily devotions. The workbook focuses on helping wives navigate the grief they are experiencing, prepare for disclosure, develop safe relationships, set healthy limits for themselves and others, admit their fears, understand sexual addiction and rebuild trust with husbands in recovery. Wives wanting to continue their journey of healing and personal growth work through the second Journey workbook--Continuing the Journey: Allowing Christ to Complete Us. This workbook is a 13-week study that explores your own story and how past experiences have shaped your desires, beliefs and choices in ways that still impact you today. You can learn more about these materials, as well as purchase copies, in our store. Purchase Materials