hopequest blog

Secrecy Kills, Honesty Heals

The problem with secrets is that they only seem to protect us. We think that our only option is to hide the truth—that we’ll be rejected or hurt or destroyed or abandoned if the truth is exposed. And when we are talking about our relationships with other people, some of our beliefs may be valid, at least in part. If you had a physically abusive father, it was dangerous for you to mess up in some way and be honest about it with him. If you were sexually violated or abused by another person as a child or adolescent, all kinds of fears kept you silent—fear that others wouldn’t believe you, fear that the abuser would hurt you, fear that you were to blame, fear that others would think you were gay, fear that others would reject you. Now in your present life you have all of the old fears ruling in the depths of your heart, and as you try to calm those fears and soothe the feelings of shame, you behave in ways that create more fears. You hide your use of pornography and/or your unfaithfulness from your wife because you fear her rejection and scorn. The first secrets beget more secrets until your whole life’s goal is to conceal and hide your struggle from others. And in the process, you also hide from God—or at least you try to.

– Troy Haas, Building for Freedom

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