Relationships are necessary for our healing and growth, but as spouses, we often choose unsafe people to meet our relational needs. Learning how to recognize safe people, set boundaries with those who are unsafe, and build healthy relationships is vital to our recovery.
Recognizing safe versus unsafe people is a process. Let’s begin by reviewing the characteristics that define each group.
Safe People
- Accept and love me unconditionally.
- Are comfortable with emotional pain. They do not try to lighten the mood, distract me, or stop the tears from falling. They sit with me in my pain and share my sorrow.
- Do not gossip about my husband or me.
- Do not judge, shame, or hate my husband.
- Do not try to fix my problems or offer solutions without invitation. They simply listen, encourage, and pray.
- Do not need my love or approval to be okay. They can handle my angry outbursts and stormy emotions because they know who they are in Christ.
- Are aware of their own brokenness. They relate to others with humility and vulnerability.
- Are more concerned about connecting with and loving me than offering advice.
- Are sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s work in my life and walk alongside me with kindness and gentleness.
Unsafe People
- Condemn me or blame me for my husband’s problem(s).
- Deny or minimize the sin of my spouse.
- Attempt to fix me or my husband by providing suggestions about what I/he should or should not do.
- Express their judgment, anger, or hatred of my husband to me.
- Give unsolicited advice.
- Cannot keep confidences.
- Only stay connected to me when I am happy and hopeful. They are too uncomfortable with or embarrassed by grief and anger to allow me to feel difficult emotions.
- Are arrogant and self-righteous.
- Are unable to see the Holy Spirit at work in me. They rely on their own judgment rather than God’s Spirit and direction.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Here are some questions to consider when evaluating whether it is safe to be vulnerable with someone:
- Do I feel pressure to think or act a certain way when I am with this person?
- Do I feel misunderstood or judged when we talk?
- Do I feel like I need to defend my husband or point out his good qualities when I am with this person?
- Do I feel like I have to defend my feelings or choices when I am with this person?
- Do I feel anxious when I am with this person?
- Do I find myself wanting to avoid conversations with this person?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is likely not safe to be vulnerable with this person. However, she may still be a resource for other kinds of support, such as helping with your home, caring for your children, providing meals, or praying for you.
While it may be challenging to find safe people in your family or at your church, do not give up. Support groups are often a good place to find others who understand the challenges you are facing. The more you experience connection with safe people, the more you will learn how to be a safe person for others as you journey toward post-traumatic healing and growth.