Something isn’t right. At least, that is what your heart is telling you. But there seems to be no evidence to support your feeling. “He’s a great guy,” you remind yourself. “He’s just working hard to provide for our family. He’s stressed and tired, and that’s all it is.” So, you shake off your nagging doubts, tell yourself you are imagining things, and try a little harder to feel connected in your marriage.
The Pain of… Self-Doubt
For many of us whose husbands battle addiction, our first suffering comes in the form of self-doubt, fear, and frustration. We feel crazy because our hearts are telling us one thing, while our husbands are busy convincing us that nothing is wrong. Chronic self-doubt eats away at confidence and self-esteem, making us anxious and even irritable. We become vulnerable to stress-related illnesses, depression, and unhealthy coping strategies. Trying to manage conflicting emotions takes its toll, leaving us exhausted.
The Pain of… Discovery
When the truth about our husband’s behavior is revealed — whether through discovery or disclosure — many of us feel a strange sense of relief mixed with the gut-wrenching grief of betrayal. “How could he hurt me this way?” is quickly followed by, “I knew something was wrong! At least I’m not crazy.” While validation may offer some comfort, the real suffering intensifies in the aftermath of discovery.
The Pain of… Betrayal
Whether you never saw this coming or your husband is just one more man in a long line of men to hurt you, your grief over his broken promises is agonizing. Many of us have said it would have been easier if he had died. It doesn’t matter if he is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography, prostitutes, or anonymous sexual encounters with men. Betrayal strips a woman bare and mocks her in front of everyone.
The Weight of False Messages
Betrayal trauma often awakens an inner voice that speaks lies about a woman’s worth. With war paint on, some of us drown out the accusations with our own screams of rage and resentment. Others draw inward, covering our eyes and ears in the hope that we might disappear. Many of us vacillate between the two: furious one moment, weeping bitterly the next.
Messages like the ones below take shape as a relentless litany of false accusations:
- “You aren’t pretty enough.”
- “You aren’t thin enough.”
- “You aren’t sexual enough.”
- “You are undesirable.”
- “You are unwanted.”
- “You are inadequate.”
- “You are a failure as a wife.”
- “You are not cherished.”
- “You are unimportant.”
- “You are unloved.”
Facing the Reality of Addiction
Reality begins to sink in: “My husband is an addict.” Remaining in the marriage could mean reliving this pain over and over again. This realization is enough to make even the most committed and compassionate woman hesitate. For those who have already endured a tremendous amount of wounding, safety in the relationship might feel next to impossible; leaving the marriage becomes the only viable option. Others choose to stay, sometimes for the sake of children, sometimes because of faith. Either choice presents its own path of painful challenges.
Choosing to Stay
As a spouse who has chosen to remain in my marriage, I can truthfully say I do not regret walking with my husband on the road to recovery. Still, the journey has not been easy, and at times, the pain has been excruciating.
His sexual acting-out not only resulted in the loss of his career, but mine as well. I learned there was even the possibility we had both been exposed to HIV because of his choices to engage in high-risk populations. At the time, I was nursing our newborn son. While my husband entered residential treatment, I was left to gather our belongings and say goodbye to the friends and colleagues with whom we had worked for almost seven years. Then we had to tell our families. There were so many losses to grieve.
The Hard Work of Healing
Counseling was painful, too. I was not only dealing with the devastation of my husband’s betrayal, but also the deep scars caused by his anger and criticism throughout our marriage. To make matters worse, three of the women he was involved with were people I called friends. I felt betrayed by them as well.
The destructive relational patterns that had once defined our marriage had to be replaced with honest communication and healthy boundaries. My husband had to learn to cope with negative emotions and legitimate needs in non-sexual ways. I had to reconnect with my own emotions and learn to express anger appropriately. He had to learn to be trustworthy, and somehow, some way, I had to learn to trust him again.
Overwhelming But Not Impossible
If I had to choose one word to describe that first year of recovery, it would be overwhelming. There were days when we both wanted to give up. Had it not been for our faith and the guidance of others who had walked the path of recovery before us, I do not believe we would have made it. The good news is… we did, and we still are 25 years later.
Remembering Our Worth
For women whose husbands struggle with addiction, it can be tempting to define our worth by their brokenness and the pain they have caused. While our suffering is real, so is our choice to remember that we are women of great value, capable of changing the world for God’s goodness and glory in spite of our pain.
This continues to be my prayer – for myself and for the women who have experienced silent suffering of betrayal trauma:
