“How are you feeling today? Does it drive you crazy when I ask you that? I remember my first counseling and group sessions. There, prominently displayed on the wall was this thing called “The Feeling Wheel.” And, of course, in stereotypical psychological fashion, somewhere in the beginning of every session was that same question for me.
“Melissa, how are you feeling today?”
The first time I tried to respectfully answer the question. The second time I rolled my eyes. The third time, I sighed audibly. What could identifying and naming my feelings possibly do to help my situation? Wasn’t it obvious how I was feeling? I mean, how would you feel if your husband had been repeatedly unfaithful for five years?
The problem was that over the years as I had endured verbal abuse and been manipulated by an expert liar, I was no longer aware of my feelings—especially the negative ones. I had learned that it wasn’t safe to be angry and somehow convinced myself in the process that anger was a sin. Therefore, admitting that I was angry about what Troy had done would make me a sinful person, and that was just something I couldn’t bear to do. I was already feeling somehow responsible for Troy’s sexual sin. If I’d only been thinner or sexier or better in bed. All of those feelings were based on lies I had come to believe, but the only way to dispel the deception was allow someone on the outside to hear my heart, empathize with me, and show me truth.
My counselor, fortunately, was a very determined lady. She listened carefully as I talked, quickly
pointing out feelings that were hiding behind my words. Gradually, I began to really feel again. And when I did, I discovered something truly amazing. Feelings—even the yucky ones—are a great gift from God. Feelings are the tools God gives us to show us when something is wrong and when things are okay. If I am aware of negative feelings, then I can deal with the problem that is causing them. If I cease to feel, then I cease to relate. And if I cease to relate, I am of no good to anyone.”
–Melissa Haas, The Journey: Book One