Written by Melissa Haas, MAMFT, LPC, CSAT, CMAT, CCBRT
“HopeQuest truly is different!” We never grow tired of hearing this from men and their families. Throughout the coming months, HopeQuest is highlighting the seven pillars that define The HopeQuest Difference. Each pillar represents a defining part of the HopeQuest approach and shapes the way care is delivered to the men and families we serve. During the month of May, we are featuring a key component of our approach to family care: our Care for Wives program.
When my life and marriage imploded 26 years ago because of my husband’s sexual addiction, I was very fortunate. Our mission agency sent us to a treatment center designed specifically for missionaries, where I received the same counseling and group support as my husband. When we left our respective programs and began rebuilding our lives together, we were discouraged by the lack of support and resources for couples and individuals navigating recovery. So, we set out to create the kind of support through HopeQuest that we wished had been available to us, with the goal of helping men and their wives find hope and freedom. The Care for Wives program at HopeQuest was developed out of my passion to ensure women walking through betrayal trauma feel seen, valued, and supported as they embark on a healing journey toward post-traumatic growth.
Wives of men who struggle with addiction experience great harm in every aspect of their lives. Financial consequences often leave women with limited time and resources to pursue their own healing. Embarrassment, shame, and fear of judgment may lead them to withdraw from others in their communities and churches. Well-intentioned people may offer unhelpful opinions or advice that place more responsibility or blame on an overwhelmed and hurting wife who has no control over her husband’s behaviors or choices.
Relationally, wives endure profound loneliness as they live with someone whose addiction has left him emotionally and spiritually unavailable. Some men become highly reactive, blaming and criticizing their wives whenever concerns or feelings are expressed. Other men withdraw into silence, leaving their wives to manage the challenges of life on their own. These destructive relational patterns result in spouses questioning their own judgment, worth, and identity. Struggling to reconcile love for their husbands with the fear of future betrayal, many women suffer in silence. Being married to a man in bondage to addiction is heartbreaking.
When a man enters treatment for his addiction, his wife often experiences conflicting emotions. She may feel a tremendous sense of relief. He is finally getting help, and she no longer has to worry about his safety and sobriety. She may also experience relief from the moodiness, defensiveness, and reactivity that often accompany addiction. At the same time, however, she is left to manage the home, care for the children, navigate unexpected problems, and process her own emotions for an extended period of time. This can be incredibly stressful and overwhelming, especially for women who may not have adequate support.
At HopeQuest, we understand these challenges, which is why we developed our Care for Wives program, offered to all married clients and their wives at no additional cost. Wives receive a weekly Careletter, which includes a note from one of our spouse-supporting therapists, information about our men’s programs, resources related to healing from betrayal trauma, and self-care strategies to practice throughout the week. Wives are also invited to participate in a weekly online Care Group, where they receive valuable education about addiction, betrayal trauma, and recovery, as well as support from other wives whose husbands are in treatment. When a therapeutic disclosure is necessary, wives receive guidance and care during every stage of the process.
Our spouse-supporting therapists advocate for wives by offering valuable insight as the clinical team works together to address areas of concern and develop individualized treatment plans for the men receiving care at HopeQuest. Wives also have access to our spouse-supporting therapists during the week for questions, concerns, and assistance in finding therapeutic resources within their local communities. When wives attend our Reclaiming Families Weekend, they are cared for and encouraged throughout the entire experience. Our goal is for every woman healing from betrayal trauma to feel seen, heard, valued, and safe while her husband is at HopeQuest.
While many treatment centers provide care for men struggling with addiction, HopeQuest is unique in that we also prioritize the healing and well-being of their wives by offering the compassionate care and support they deserve as valuable daughters of God.